positivity is not in my top 5

The other day, someone told me something that caught me off guard. They said, "You're positivity is contagious", to which I had no answer. I had no answer because I have never seen myself as a particularly positive person. I think I can be. I can be optimistic. I can be many things if I choose to be. At my core though, I honestly would describe myself as more of a realist. I know that this world is flawed, that we are flawed.

Peace Corps is holding up a bamboo volleyball net for 3 solid hours for the sake of the volleyball game that must go on.

Several years ago, I was sitting in a political thought class at K-State when I was introduced to a piece that quite literally changed my entire world. It was called This is Water by David Foster Wallace. I don't know how to express to you the depth to which this piece affected me other than to tell you that six years have passed since I first read it, and to this day, I think about it at least once per week. Beyond this though, this piece is grounding for me. When I feel lost or fed up with the world or my circumstances, this is where I start to get back on track. Why? Because this piece reminds me that I am free to choose.

Pieces of this address have become mantras of sorts in my life. Particularly, the idea that our natural default setting is to assume that we are the center of the world, and that our immediate needs and desires should determine the worlds priorities. This default setting determines the way that we view the world around us, but more importantly, Wallace talks about our freedom, our ability to choose whether we operate under that natural default setting, or whether we choose to think differently. He calls this natural default setting "unconsciousness" in that we do not have to think or choose to see the world in this way, but rather, we must choose to defy it. It is easy, mindless, to walk through life being annoyed by the things "in your way". Think about the times you've been late to work, and it seems like your own personal Truman Show with every person on the road is in your way, using excessive caution to turn right on red, driving perfectly level to the person in the passing lane, holding steady at 2 mph below the speed limit. You know, the kind of drive to work that sticks with you all day, then you find yourself lashing out when you run out of staples, and replaying the scathing speech you would have given to the person who cut you off on the highway 10 hours ago as you fall asleep. Just a normal day, right?

This sunset picture makes sense, I promise. Why? Because I took it while I was getting lost and would later end up walking home through the fields in the dark, frustrated in the lack of roads that actually go across the river.

Right. But what I love about this piece is that it challenges me to choose joy. Why? Because the world, in fact, does not revolve around me. Instead, I get to exist in the world. I get to take up a tiny space in the world where my actions may go largely unnoticed, but they matter. This is the reality, the reality that I am but a blip in a much grander, much more complex system that is the world as we know it. But isn't that incredible? It is incredible that I get to be a part of that complexity, that I get the opportunity to go out and experience it, and not only that, but to go out and seek opportunities to learn more, to revel in the intricacy, the reality of it all.

I realize I'm rambling, but I promise I'm getting there. The thing is that I realized that this way of thinking is why people here perceive me as a positive person. It is the choice every day to appreciate the world around me and the fact that I get to be a part of it.

There are so many adjustments existing in a culture different from your own. I'm not going to tell you that my life here is simple or that adjusting to the culture has been somehow easy, but what I will say is that my life here is defined by what I choose to see and pay attention to.

Smiling through the shin splints. But also, I bet my friend's host brother that I could run to this sign and back in an hour, which, by the way, I did.

Right before I left for Albania, I went to Mexico with my family. For those of you who know me, you know that I have a soft spot for Mexico in the deepest depths of my heart and soul, but this Mexico was not the Mexico that I knew. This was resort Mexico, where it seems the entire world revolves around making Americans feel pampered and important. One day, we were going to tour some underground, underwater caves and we were told that we needed to rinse off our sunscreen and bug spray before we went into the caves because the water was a drinking source for local indigenous tribes. I remember walking into the restroom and noticing that every single toilet was out of order because there were heaping piles of toilet paper inside. As I walked in, I remember hearing discussion about how ridiculous it was that all the toilets were out of order and that we would all just have to "go on top of it". It took all of my will power not to retort with a sassy comment about how ridiculous it was that people didn't have enough sense or decency to throw their toilet paper in the trashcan where it belongs and instead choosing to cause unnecessary work for the restroom staff. However, I held my tongue and listened as the same woman talked about how she just was not going to shower because she did not want to be bitten by mosquitos on the walk. This time, I retorted, but that's neither here nor there.

I think this is a perfect example of what Wallace is saying. It is so easy to fall back into the fallacy that our immediate needs and desires are what should determine the world's priorities. But I can tell you that, from that American lens, it is easy to be frustrated and say, "Wow, how could the staff let this bathroom be so unclean and unkept!", while the staff, from a different cultural lens are frustrated and say, "Wow, who in their right mind throws toilet paper in the toilet!"

So here I am, reflecting on water after a long day of struggling through language barriers and frustration with being tied down by social and cultural norms, and I can tell you that yes, it is hard. It is hard to choose positivity when life just doesn't seem to want to throw all the best cards my way. However, one thing that I know to be true is that mountaintops don't feel like mountaintops to those who never venture down the mountain. So, relish in success, but also understand that struggles are sacred, for they are what keep you grounded enough to appreciate the feeling of making it up the mountain.

Teaching the youths some Macarena moves.

This is not positivity. This is appreciation. It is the difference between choosing to be annoyed by the clogged toilets rather than using that time and energy to ponder the reason. It is the difference between taking your place in the world rather than fighting to be at the center of it. It is the ability to see hardships, misunderstandings, annoyances, as opportunities or perhaps rather, reminders, to appreciate the interactions, the culture, the people of this world that are so complex and intertwined into something that is so much bigger and more beautiful than we can comprehend. It is choosing to see the beauty in what is so real and so obvious in the world around us that we forget to give them meaning.

Let me tell you, life is beautiful when you choose to see it.