running on empty

Përshëndetje from Albania! I want to start off by saying that I've been blogging for 37 seconds, and I have already been prompted to "Create a Catchy Title". I think we can all agree that went well. However, until that prompt, I had no idea what I was going to be writing about today. I knew I wanted to reflect on who, what, when, where, how, and why I am where I am in this moment, so how could I capture that journey with one "catchy" line? Of course I started looking to music, quotes, witty references, but these words came almost immediately. Running on empty, that's what got me here.

This quote would have made more sense later, but I really wanted to use my grad picture later, so keep this quote in your back pocket for the time being. However, my dad should've just accepted the water when I offered, and I think that's the important message here.

My father always loves to tell the story of coaching my t-ball team back in the day, and looking out into the outfield for his oh so talented daughter, only to find that she was gone, filling up Dixie cups and running out to make sure that the team was well hydrated. Honestly, I was still running, so I would argue that it was also still a score in my athletic history. Soon, those drinks turned into camp counseling, volunteering, and mission trips. When I was 15 years old, I went to Mexico for the first time. From the ledge I was safely teetering on, I fell head first into a passion for service, for others, for making a difference. I made the decision then that this, service to others for the betterment of the world, was what I wanted to do.

Among other things, I floated around the idea of being a missionary, a pastor, a civil rights lawyer, and joining the Peace Corps. However, it didn't take long for those ideas to be questioned by some of the people I held closest. I was crushed, and I reeled it in.

I left for college 3 years later thinking I would become a doctor and go spread health care and health education throughout the world during vacations. I soon realized that math was hard. More though, I realized that I could've cared less about being a doctor, and I wanted more than just short vacations of service.

I wanted a job that would use me for the benefit of the world around me. So I walked away. I walked away into nothing. I had spent years of my life focused on becoming a doctor, and now, where was I? Quite honestly, I chose my major because I couldn't bear to be "undecided". Now, something else you should know about me is that I need to be in control of my life, and I need to feel in control of my future. So, I chose a future. I knew I loved politics, philosophy, service, traveling, and order, so one day I visited 12 different K-State offices, and I returned to Haymaker Hall 138 with 2 majors, 2 minors, and pre-law track.

In that moment of confusion, I went back to my roots, and arguably I overshot. However, this decision led me to some of the most transformative experiences of my life. I decided to pursue a Masters in Public Administration. I took on leadership roles on campus. I interned for incredible organizations. I went back to Mexico.

Honestly, grappling with my future was a struggle. I struggled against the relentless pressure to do what was "smart", to get a degree that would land me a job that would provide me with enough money to live like a queen, when all I wanted was to do something that mattered. Defending my choices, my values, and my actions felt like a job. Some days, I felt like I was quite literally running on empty.

Telling people that I am a master will never get old.

Here's the thing though, every time I made a step in the right direction, it was because I had felt as though I was running on empty. I would have moments where I just didn't understand why my plans were crumbling around me. For so long, these moments were pushed aside to form new plans. Until it seemed that the world itself was crumbling. It took a split second for me to realize that I wasn't where I needed to be, that I had long since lost sight of who I was and what really mattered, that I was empty. So, I let go. I let go of my plans, and I focused on being the person God created me to be, and I willed myself to run on empty toward her.

So that's my story, so very terribly told, but my story nonetheless. A year ago today, I said goodbye to one of the most important people in my life, the person who helped me realize that I had some running to do. And I did. I ran, I graduated, and I ended up in Albania.