struggle bussing it

I have always said that I love to be busy. This last week of my life has been just that: busy. However, amidst this business, the other day I realized that I, in fact, do not love to be busy. What I love, or perhaps what I feel I need, is to be distracted. Distracted from the things that make my heart ache, from the regrets or what ifs that terrify me to my core, from the realities that I don't want to face. I love to be busy. I love to allow my thoughts to focus on something, productive or otherwise, but I realized that I often do so in lieu of letting myself deal with the realities in front of me. It lets me be happy. It lets me live in a dream state. I lets me forget. It lets me forget the things that suck.

I work here. I live here too. I know, I know, I can't believe it either.

You know those sayings that we all latched onto as kids? The ones we embellished with stars and slashes to make the perfect Facebook status update so everyone would know, *//...there is no rainbow without rain...\\*. Today I felt that saying to my core, embellishment and all.

Being busy does let me forget the things that suck. It allows me to turn my back on the rain. It also, however, causes me to forget the things that matter.

I have always said that I am an "out of sight, out of mind" person. This is my go to explanation for why I am bad at keeping in touch with people when I'm away. However, what I really mean by this is that I'm a procrastinator of feeling, because if I just don't think about someone, I won't remember to miss them, to be sad that we are apart. So, I busy myself. I busy myself to put off remembering to feel the feelings.

Cool cool cool, everything here is cool.

So let me get back on track here. I arrived to my new site 10 days ago. I left behind all of the people I grew to love and depend on these last three months. I left the comfort of my home at my training site. I left behind a part of my life. I struggled. A lot.

I got off the bus and walked into a home of loving host parents and a town that takes my breath away with every step (339 steps up the town's main staircase, to be exact). I survived my first week of service working in the tourism office to promote this incredible goldmine of caves, canyons, waterfalls, Ottoman bridges, communist tunnels, and incredible mountains. I also survived my first week in a place where I knew no one, where I literally break a sweat on the walk home, where I am roommates with a cat.

Stairs.

I can't express to you how incredibly isolating it is to be new to a town, in a country you've only just begun to explore, in a language you've only just begun to scratch the surface of, and to not be able to go home because going home means endless sneezing, wheezing, and streaming eyes.

Blessings come in many forms. While this one came in the form of frustration and going through 3 packs a day (of tissues), I realize now that it was a blessing. I couldn't be home, so I explored. I fell in love with my town. I met people. I started tutoring a woman for her upcoming English language test. I got lost. I got found (thank you to my host dad for coming for me). I became a regular at a local coffee shop. I tested all the different byrek shops and found the best one, I became a regular there too. I found my favorite town staircase. I found my spot to just... be.

Hey it's me, and yes, I am the American that sits right here every day.

In short, I kept myself busy. I didn't let myself feel alone, and that is what I needed to make it through that first week.

So that's when it hit me one week in. Sitting in my spot, a rock cliff on the canyon, I was listening to a podcast as I always do, when I suddenly needed music. I turned on some Jukebox the Ghost, which is honestly hilarious considering what happened next, as all of the sudden the feelings I had procrastinated feeling came crashing down. I realized that if I never face the rain, I also never see the rainbows.. the things most important to me that give me the will to keep going, or perhaps were the things that gave me the will to start in the first place.

So I sang my heart out as I watched the sunset over the canyon. I packed up, I went home, and I called all the people that I had been procrastinating acknowledging their absence in my life, then I took a long overdue break to talk to the man upstairs.

These last three months have turned my world upside down. I have averaged one massive realization per week, be it something about myself or something much bigger than my own existence. I have fallen in love with Shqip. I have fallen in love in Shqip. I have been frustrated. I have allowed myself to stray from what and who I strive to be. I have painstakingly reeled myself back in. I have learned that sometimes the stairs are necessary, but it is always worth it to wake up early or get home late if it means taking the scenic route.

I mean, come on. How much more perfect can you get than a yellow bridge over a canyon?

Most of all though, I have learned that life isn't supposed to be easy. If it were easy, there would be no place for happiness. There is so much truth to those sayings I keep scoffing at when Facebook reminds me of my memories from years ago. There are no rainbows without rain, and sometimes I need a kick in the gut to remember and to appreciate all of the good in life.