thankful

I climbed a mountain, but it didn't even begin to work off all the food I've eaten.

There are some moments that bring the reality of my life crashing down on me. Most days I can go about my life happily, just feeling fully present in this incredibly unique moment in time. Other days, the world seems to stand still in ways that bring waves of heartache. Thanksgiving has and always will hold an incredibly special place in my heart. It is a day focused on being together, being with family and friends, and being thankful for the innumerable blessings present in our lives and in the world around us. This year was the first year that I didn't get to be thankful alongside the people I love the most in the world, and that hurt more than I could have ever expected.

Just hanging with other Americans who also can't figure out how to remove traditional Albanian clothing.

So Thursday rolled around, and after several days of quakes and shocks that literally brought the world as I know it crumbling down, I set off to be an American for the weekend. I kept telling myself I would Facetime in to the family dinner to be there in some tiny way. However, when that moment rolled around, I couldn't. In fact, I barely talked to my family that day, a fact that was born, I think, out of both shame and sadness. I just couldn't face my family knowing I wasn't a part of it, that I could've been there, but I had chosen to stay. I couldn't face that I had made that choice almost as much as I couldn't face the fear of seeing my family doing my favorite things without me, like my existence or lack there of made no impact. What if it didn't? Could I bear to witness that? So instead, I kept myself amply busy and avoided what I'm sure would have resulted in an intense session of crying ugly tears, leaving my face looking like I had been attacked by bees for hours.

However, through that, I had to remind myself that this is just a part of growing up. This is just one of the first of many precious things I will miss in my life, and maybe that's okay. Because in those moments of avoiding that call, I threw myself full on into that time with some of the people I hold dearest here in Albania, and in this moment in my life, those are the people I am incredibly thankful for. So it dawned on me that that Harry Potter marathon weekend garnished with the smells of stuffing, gravy, and pumpkin pie was where I was meant to be. This is my life at this moment, who knows what it will be years from now, but I am thankful that I got to spend that day with the people who make my every day here in Albania great.

Albania is cool.

So that being said, Thanksgiving in Albania was great. My only regret is not getting over my shame and sadness quick enough to make that call back home, but the lesson was learned, and I have many more holidays for which to make better decisions. Anyway, Thanksgiving number one with my Corovode family was incredible. I got to share all of my favorite foods and traditions from back home with the people who have shown me how to live and thrive in this home. Then four days later, I left to do it all over again with some other volunteers. We climbed a mountain, visited an agrotourism village for the best dinner I have ever eaten in my entire life, watched a ridiculous amount of Harry Potter, and cooked a massive amount of food that we swore we would get a second wind to finish, but never actually did. I've had mashed potatoes up to my eyes for days, but I haven't been so content with my life here in Albania in a long time, if ever. I feel like I've reached a point where Albania not just this thing I am doing for a while as a placeholder of sorts in my life, but rather, it's just my life. I don't know if that makes sense, but really I just mean that I don't feel like the goal is going back home, rather that the goal is going forward to whatever it is that life throws my way next.

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/20f228_d392cae1c8d04baea6d5731dc8f7bbed/720p/mp4/file.mp4

So this is life as an adult, I guess, making the best of wherever and whatever you are, but also knowing that wherever and whatever that is is entirely up to you. It's taking ownership of what your world looks like and how you choose to be a part of it. It's knowing that things may not be the same, but that doesn't mean you can't be happy moving forward while smiling on the memories behind you. That doesn't mean that you can't miss life and people, but it does mean that life goes on and, in the wise words of Pam Halpert, "Conquer your fears. Just go after what you want and act fast, because life just isn't that long". You can't afford to waste precious time being sad or fearful of loss, so do what it takes to be happy in these moments that you are given.