the things i know to be true

I have always had a sort of obsession with the idea of time. The idea that, in the end, all we really have is time, and what we choose to do with it is all we can really claim.

Today, in this moment, I am 151 days into this 821 day journey. That is 5 months out of 27. That means that I have just 670 days, just 22 months left, to do something here, to make this time matter. As I type that, the panic is setting in.

Dearest Rosa... you are really the worst ever guard dog, this photo is proof. However, I'm thankful for your love, and I take partial responsibility for training you to not be mean to strangers. Të gjithë zemrën time.

Last night, I was out for a run, and as usual, I stopped to visit Rosa. Sitting there petting Rosa, it occurred to me how numbered my days are with her. The 5 minutes every day that I sit and play with this puppy, will soon be one of two things. Either 5 minutes of playing with a dog, or a sad, reminiscent gaze at the security guard she has been trained to be as I run by. Then, all too soon, it will be goodbye.

Walking home, I started thinking about my to do list for the night, for the week, for the year, for my service, for life. What's scary is that it occurred to me that my life here in Albania can essentially be seen as an entire lifetime, sped up into a two year snippet. I have two years to make a mark on this place before I leave it, a truly terrifying thought.

All of the sudden, I am filled with regret that it's summer, and I haven't started a youth tour guide club yet, trained them to take tourists to all the sites, and given them an opportunity to practice their English. It is tourist season, and I haven't written the grant to create signs directing tourists to all of the incredible sites. I haven't started my "English for Interacting with Tourists" courses for local business owners. I haven't finished translating all of the menus for restaurants and coffee shops. There are so many things I haven't done, and how do I do them and make sure that they stand the test of time after I'm gone, when all I have left is 670 days?

Visit Bugove, there are swings.

All of the sudden, it feels that the 151 days I have spent here, such a minuscule blip in the span of a lifetime, is a much larger blip, a blip that perhaps should have much more to claim than it does.

I realize how much precious time I have wasted in my life. I realize how long it took me to accept the lessons that life was attempting to teach me. How much time I could have had to learn other ones had I taken a step back, put a muzzle on my stubbornness, and see the big picture. Sometimes progress means turning your back on things that make you happy for the sake of moving forward.

There are also big flowers.

The longer I am here, the more I realize that I'm not here to do what I want to do. I am here to contribute something. I believe there is a reason that I am here, and every second that I spend on my own agenda is a second wasted in moving toward that purpose.

So here is what I know to be true. a collection of sorts of lessons that I have learned through time.

Happiness is not a permanent state, wholeness is. Don't confuse these, and don't waste time. Have the courage to move forward. It is always better to do the right thing now than to put it off for later. Sometimes taking steps forward sucks, but remember that your time isn't the only time that matters. Let go when it is time to let go, and continue searching for wholeness. Don't wait to move forward. Understand that your time here is but a blip in a much larger scale. What you do for yourself dies with you, but what you do for others lives on. Know that what you do matters.

Time is all you have, don't waste it. You can use it to learn lessons, but just like you wouldn't want to repeat 7th grade forever, don't continue listening to the same lessons without having the courage to walk away when you've learned them and move on.

Then visit Çorovodë because wow.

Finally, when you realize how infinitesimally miniscule your blip is in time, remember that you have the incredible opportunity to make your blip matter, to make your time worth it, to make your blip transcend yourself. Then, write it down, as I am doing now, so that you never forget. Never forget the power of time.