when the going gets rough

I really can't remember how it started, but it became a bit of a mantra for all of us going through training that, "if we can just make it through PST...". Often that sentence was completed with, "...we will finally have some free time", "...we will finally feel like we are doing something", or "...we will finally have a break from this constant state of stress". A nice thought. A nice thought turned into a motivational mantra to help us through the moments where we just weren't sure if we would ever be fluent enough, or be skilled enough, or be connected enough, or really, just if we would ever be enough.

Congratulations to me for finally regaining full function of my arms following my rafting adventures.

The thing is, I miss those days. Those were the days when I had people by my side. Those were the days when my best friends knew exactly what I was going through, and I didn't hesitate to spend 4 hours every night unwinding with them. Those were the days when my days really ended at 4, and I could do what I wanted until whenever I pleased. Those were the days when I could decide if I wanted to run or exercise in any way. Those were the days where all I had to do was make it successfully to bed, and let my body do the work of keeping me alive until I woke up. Those were the days.

Those were the days when the moments of uncertainty about being enough, were just moments.

I expected my time at site to be relaxed. I expected to have no worries. I expected to go to work, to come home, and to not have to stress about anything. I expected what that motivational mantra had made me believe. Reality, however, has not been so kind.

Yes, I am assigned to the bashkia, but I also feel a responsibility to the people in my community. So, at the end of the day, I pack up and go to work.

Can someone please tell my mom that this sweater I got out of a free clothes bin is stylish and awesome? She won't believe me.

You know those people who just seem to know everyone as they are walking down the street? Well that's me. I honestly don't know how it happens, but somehow, it feels like I am never truly a stranger. I expected that I would finally feel like a stranger when I literally uprooted my life and moved to a different continent, but my 45 minute, 0.5 km walk home last night would suggest otherwise.

Over the last few weeks, I have realized that I have a bit of a problem. The problem is that it takes about 7 seconds for me to be all in. It takes 7 seconds for me to fall in a deep pit of caring. 7 seconds for me to be so emotionally invested in something or someone that I just can't let it go. 7 seconds for me to feel personally responsible for the success, the happiness, the well-being of others.

So, at the end of the day, I pack up and go to work.

I dedicate every spare second I possess to these people that I want the world for. What's hard though is that sometimes it is not enough. Sometimes the world deals out bad cards. Sometimes there is disappointment. Sometimes there is heartbreak.

Two of the humans that make this place feel like home.

So now those moments of worry that I may not be enough are no longer fleeting fears of the future. Those moments are my reality. A lot of times, I am not qualified to help, no matter how much I want to be. A lot of times, I don't know what the answer is, no matter how much I wish I had them all. A lot of times, I am just not enough.

And that's okay.

I know that I am not my mother. I know that I can't teach a wall how to walk like she could. I know that I am not my father. I know that I can't make every single living being feel like they are important like he can. I can't smile through the pain, through the disappointment, through mistakes like Ally can. I can't imagine possibilities like Keegan can. I can't unconditionally and irrevocably love like Maeci can. I, unfortunately, was not blessed with those strengths.

I am however, stubborn. I may not be enough, but I won't give up. I will try. I will try to believe in you like my mother. I will try to care like my father. I will try to persist like Al. I will try to be innovative like Keeg. I will try to love like Maec. I will give you everything I have, even if I know that I may still fall short.

These last few days have been days full to the brim with heartbreak and disappointment for some of the people I love most. These last few days have been days absolutely overflowing with heartbreak and disappointment in myself. It's not just sadness though. It is guilt that I could've, I should've, done more. It is the sinking feeling as I lie awake at night wondering how I can do more, how I can do better, how I can be enough.

*Insert Avril Lavigne lyrics*

There is an expression in Shqip that goes, "O të keqën nënë!" Often accompanied by a nice cheek pinch, this expression roughly translates to, "I wish all of the bad happens to me instead of you." I feel this to my core every day.

This post doesn't really have a happy ending, but I hope that I find it soon. Rather, this post is about the things that suck. It is about the realities of being human. For now though, I will settle for the certainty that I am doing my best, and sometimes, that's all we can do.